Enough

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Originally uploaded by melissa.and.critters

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it's never enough?

That's me lately. I feel like I'm just not enough. For anyone. It feels to me as if everyone wants more from me than I have to give. Mentally, physically, financially, etc. When I start to feel this way, I retreat. I don't feel like talking to anyone in any depth and become anti social. Sometimes I think the hermit like way I handle this type of thing makes it worse, but at the same point - I really cannot imagine having someone to delve into this with me.

Sure, I could talk to The Boyfriend but I fear he'd end up thinking it was all based on things within our relationship, which isn't the case at all. In fact, he/our relationship are probably the only things keeping me as sane as I pretend to be.

What I end up doing in times like this is finding something to obsess about. As if finding a new hobby or project will take my mind off of things and enable changes in every regard. It never works that way, but I feel less helpless. Today, my focus became physical. I cleaned, did laundry, worked up a big sweat. Then when The Boy got here, we went and walked the dog for about an hour. After he left, I felt like continuing on - and Ryder wasn't slowing down so off we went. In total, we did just under 8 miles today. He's exhausted and happy, and I feel much better overall. It's also progress towards my weight loss goals. As of this morning, I have 8 more pounds to lose before I hit my goal. This helps my sanity as well.

Sitting here watching Mairi play... that helps too. If only we could all get through life being as (un) stressed, rambunctious and carefree as an eight week old kitten.

(Photo is mostly unrelated. Although I do feel rather up against a stone wall, mentally speaking. This is from our Stony Brook camping trip in September)