Sick

I've been sick the past week. That lovely nauseous feeling, where you'd give anything just to throw up and end it. All. Week.

Today has been the worst. Tomorrow I work all day, and do not know how I will manage. My hope is I wake up in the morning with less of this feeling, or that it waits until 5:45, when I'm leaving work to come on full force.

In lieu of content, enjoy kitteny goodness.

Enough

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Originally uploaded by melissa.and.critters

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it's never enough?

That's me lately. I feel like I'm just not enough. For anyone. It feels to me as if everyone wants more from me than I have to give. Mentally, physically, financially, etc. When I start to feel this way, I retreat. I don't feel like talking to anyone in any depth and become anti social. Sometimes I think the hermit like way I handle this type of thing makes it worse, but at the same point - I really cannot imagine having someone to delve into this with me.

Sure, I could talk to The Boyfriend but I fear he'd end up thinking it was all based on things within our relationship, which isn't the case at all. In fact, he/our relationship are probably the only things keeping me as sane as I pretend to be.

What I end up doing in times like this is finding something to obsess about. As if finding a new hobby or project will take my mind off of things and enable changes in every regard. It never works that way, but I feel less helpless. Today, my focus became physical. I cleaned, did laundry, worked up a big sweat. Then when The Boy got here, we went and walked the dog for about an hour. After he left, I felt like continuing on - and Ryder wasn't slowing down so off we went. In total, we did just under 8 miles today. He's exhausted and happy, and I feel much better overall. It's also progress towards my weight loss goals. As of this morning, I have 8 more pounds to lose before I hit my goal. This helps my sanity as well.

Sitting here watching Mairi play... that helps too. If only we could all get through life being as (un) stressed, rambunctious and carefree as an eight week old kitten.

(Photo is mostly unrelated. Although I do feel rather up against a stone wall, mentally speaking. This is from our Stony Brook camping trip in September)

Exhausted

I work with dogs all day, every day. And then come home to my own three. There are some days, like today, where I'd like to come home and take a long walk with my own - but have spent every available ounce of energy in dealing with other peoples dogs. Yay for guilt.

Fortunately on my days off I can catch up with my own. Leash up Ryder and go walk 4+ miles. Take Cheyenne out and brush what seems like 300lbs of hair off of her.

I love my job. Ok, I'd love it more if it paid better... and if it left me less exhausted. Guess that's why it's called work, afterall.

Yes we can!

And we did. I'm so pleased with the results of yesterdays election.

I am not pleased with the fact I have a migraine, my second in three days. Most of the time I'm able to pinpoint the cause. Not so much today.

It's time to unwind, watch some tv and dodge a playful kitten who thinks mom laying down is prime time to pounce on her!

I voted...

Did you?

Today's election is probably the most important one we'll see, at least for a very long time.

I'll be anxiously awaiting word late this evening, that's for sure.

Fall

Fall is typically my favorite season. I've always looked more forward to Halloween than Christmas, even. This year, for reasons I don't even begin to understand, I'm not feeling it. At All.

Sometimes I'm not sure if things are catching up with me, if I'm getting depressed and not fully realizing it. Things that seemed like they'd be happening around now...aren't. I think I spent a good part of my summer looking forward to the changes Fall was going to bring. For a myriad of reasons, those changes aren't taking place now. Or maybe ever. It's hard to think about, the feelings and emotions surrounding it are all still too fresh, too raw.

So I try to focus on happier things. Spend more time playing with the spastic kitten. More time walking Ryder. Time looking back through things that remind me of happier periods of time.

Like photos from a camping trip we took with Ryder in late September.

Hair and blog addiction

For as long as I can remember, I've never been too much of a girly girl. Growing up, I was anti-dresses and had hair that didn't require any fuss. I wasn't a total tom boy, but close. I'm into comfort, not style.

It wasn't until I started dating The Boy that I really even gave a damn about my appearance. Self esteem/self confidence hasn't been my thing. Probably never will be. But I started making an attempt a few months into our relationship to do more for myself, knowing it'd probably at least start to inspire self confidence which could only help our relationship. My hair became my thing. First I had it colored. Then got highlights. Loved it! Tried a few styles, found one that was easy enough to accomplish while still looking like I'd actually done something besides run a comb through it. Early this year, I did something that shocked most people. I got a spiral perm. After about 18 hours of "Oh my God, what DID I DO?" I loved it. The Boy loved it as well and said as much every.single.time I saw him.

It's finally grown out and after a pretty decent trim this afternoon, I'm back to the pre-perm style involving Silk Drops and a flat iron. I'm not sure he'll be terribly impressed. Truth is, with my "new" job, my hair is nearly always pulled back into a ponytail for the sake of simplicity and not having to mess with it. That isn't too conducive to a perm. Although I'm considering it anyhow, just because he loves it so.

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I started this blog yesterday, and today... I started another. My issue with my blogging/journaling experience to date is that I tend to focus (ie, ramble on about) things relating to my critters. The blog I started today will be animal specific. While things about them will drift over here, I'm attempting to learn to separate out Me Things vs Animal Things a bit.

Anyone who knows me well is now rolling their eyes, knowing how poorly this will work.

Beginnings

Yesterday marked my 8th anniversary of blogging/journaling/whatever you prefer to call it. It's hard to believe I've had my friends only livejournal that long, also hard to believe I haven't branched out into something less secretive.

The obligatory about me, introductory post.

I'm Melissa. Living in Western NY and suddenly finding myself closer to 30 than 20. In a relationship with a man I adore, that's sadly more complicated than I'd like. Mom to a small zoo - 3 dogs, 4 cats, 5 ferrets and 6 reptiles. Nature loving, photograph taking girl who feels like she's always trying to find her way through the twists and turns of life.

As if life isn't busy enough between work (technically part time, but work 35+ hours a week anymore), day to day life and my animals, I'm also contemplating taking another stab at Project 365, where I'll take a photo a day for a year. And try really hard not to end up with 365 pictures of the animals.

Joined NaBloPoMo in an effort not to write this one post and then vanish into thin air. Questions are welcome, preferably ones that don't include "Wow, you're now a crazy cat lady, huh?" as the opener.